A Daughter's Prayer

As I sit in the quiet of a still house and listen to my father's even breathing, I'm struck by how quickly life can change. Like a brisk Oklahoma wind ushering in the change of seasons, the path of life is so quickly altered. I read a quote once attributed to Buddha that said, "The trouble is, you think you have time."  So here is a snippet of what I've seen in the past few days.

   
     What cancer is:
          -quiet moments, hushed voices, care and kindness.
          -forgotten letters, difficult decisions, long, sleepless nights.
          -wonder and dread ticking away like an old clock.
          -revisiting memories.
          -medication in an old cowboy hat.
          -tears and sadness, anger and despair.
          -the harbinger of change.

     What cancer isn't:
          -a clearly defined path or timeframe.
          -the culmination of a life.
          -the end of the story.
          -the death of hope and love.
          -kind.

Winnie-the-Pooh said it best when he said, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard."

I wonder what tomorrow will bring... joy? sorrow? As I lean heavier on my faith, I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. For now, the grief comes in waves and I embrace them as they come. I try to work through them so they don't pull me under as they once did during my brother's passing. For now, I stand in the strength and knowledge of God's will. Genesis 28:15 promises us, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you." And so today and every day, for as long as I need, I will stand in the gap to pray:

Heavenly Father, you didn't promise us that the days would come without pain, that we could laugh without feeling sorrow, or that there would be sunshine without rain. You did promise a guiding hand, a master plan; to give us strength for each day, comfort as we pray, and a light for the way. Blessed are we for such wonderful gifts. Clear our minds of uncertainty, free our hearts of despair. Help us to love and be loved until we greet you at the Pearly Gates, where fear and sickness and death cannot take hold. Thank you for these moments, however fleeting. It's in your glorious name I pray. Amen.

Beauty From Ashes

'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”' This verse out of Lamentations has been with me lately. We continue to stand in awe of His awesomeness. 

We've taken to spending time hunting for sea glass along the shoreline sometimes instead of actively enjoying the ocean. This has honestly become one of my favorite activities. We are quiet and searching, hoping for a fragment to share with the family. We spend hours cleaning up a beach while looking for tiny treasures to take back with us.

Sea glass is nothing more than broken bottles or other assorted glass fragments that have been caught by the sea. Cast aside by its former owner, the water pummels it, sands scratches and smooths, rough edges are worn away to repurpose this rubbish for new life in the ocean. In reality, it is nothing more than trash, marine debris. But for others, a beautiful treasure.

As I reflect on this, I see God in so many ways. In the quiet still moments of our day, we hear God most clearly. We see the work He has done in our lives. When we focus on Him, the world fades to a distant rumble and we can actively pursue God's plan. And the joy of finding such treasure! The victory of knowing we trudged through until we caught hold of the perfect piece, this is the victory of our purpose in Him. 

Sea glass is beauty from the ashes and again and again I find my life a reflection of this. My rough edges are being slowly smoothed away. What I thought was my purpose in life is merely a stepping stone and I continue to be repurposed. As will you will. You are sea glass, beauty from ashes. To rise again with new purpose, the rough and worn edges smoothed away and given new life. Maybe it will take multiple attempts to find your place in God's plan, but just think of the beautiful, chaotic, tumultuous, worthwhile journey.

The Power of Grace

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

"Grace" is my word for the year. Having grace in my own journey, giving grace to others, and being an example of grace. This post has been a long time coming but I've struggled with how to put into words my feelings and desires of as late. Last year, walking in faith was a big step. To have and show grace has been a constant struggle for me, mostly in myself.

Often times, it is easy to give ourselves grace when we make mistakes, poor judgement calls or "judge" someone else harshly. It can often be blown off by saying, "Oh I was just having a bad day," or "I'll just pray for forgiveness" and leave the situation unresolved. Opening those lines of communication and having those difficult conversations is trying for most and I am no exception. My pride gets in the way. So while I'm giving myself grace in being vulnerable, I'm attempting to give others that same grace because they deserve it just as much. Or maybe they don't but its not a judgement call I should be making.

Just as I'm giving myself grace, I'm trying to be patient with others as they flounder through life just like I am. Its sometimes draining to stay positive and remember that things will work out one way or another but, again, I'm trying. Especially with the kids, I'm trying to be more deliberate in walking in grace. Because I'm critical of myself, I am also critical with them. Occasionally they need it but often they need to SEE my grace and love more.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Along this walk, I'm finding my heart and my family being pulled to ministry and we're finally at a place in our journey where Mark and I are allowing ourselves to be led. We are learning to submit ourselves and be content with a role with greater emotional reward than monetary. Sometimes this means change of job roles and more walking in grace. We pray for favor in this. In this submission over the past year, I have seen so many blessings open up before us. Ones that we might have missed had we not been paying attention. I'm learning that God's grace is dynamic. It motivates and empowers us.