Life Changes

This country song by Thomas Rhett caught me off-guard tonight. It also reminded me that its been a “hot minute” since I posted to this blog. So, here is a portion of the lyrics in case you’re interested:

"Waking up in my college dorm, Yeah, my life, it was pretty normal. Looking for a date to the spring formal Wasn’t worried about nothing else, no. Majoring in undecided, Notebook full of bad songs I was writing. Never dreamed anyone else would like ‘em. Now they’re sitting on a Wal-mart shelf. Ain’t it funny how life changes. You wake up, ain’t nothing the same and life changes. You can’t stop it, just hop on the train and You never know what’s gonna happen. You make your plans and you hear God laughing. Life changes, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, oh no, And I wouldn’t change it for the world, oh no.”

The song continues on, its beautiful and you should take a moment to enjoy it. But, I just wanted to get through the chorus. The line “you make your plans and you hear God laughing” is where I’m at today. What a rollercoaster ride life is. I have to say that, although I REALLY didn’t like them, I wouldn’t trade my lows in life because they helped to shape who I am today. If you’ve been keeping up with our story, you’ll understand a bit better what I’m referring to. If you don’t know, go back to the 2015/2016 posts and everything will become clear.

The Bible talks constantly about change. It is a part of existence and is experienced by everyone. As my family and I continue to dive into the roles God has laid before us, we each find ourselves ever-evolving. Renewing my faith with the Nazarene church and finding purpose in my walk with God has just been the beginning. He continues to open doors and close them too. Sometimes I think I know exactly the plan God is setting before me and I run towards it with excitement and expectation, only to find that door closed and, as the song says “hear God laughing.” He knows the plans for me, for my family, my job, my church, our world and the best I can hope to be is a vessel of compassion and love.

For me, change and release of the plan is not in my nature. I am the planner, the preparer, the outline-holder (is that a thing?). I love plans, and organization, and following through. But this is not how God works. And so, when I’m confronted with change, I struggle. I struggle because it challenges my expectations, my routines, my comfort, and my world. I'm sure I've written on this before but it is a constant challenge in my life. However, I’m continuing to let go and let God lead and its getting easier. God is the shepherd, after all. I find solace in knowing that at least He will never change. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The Lord Himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid.” So here I am, Lord, on my knees again. I pray that You continue to see fit to use me as Your vessel. Fill me with Your spirit and make me an example of Your love. Guide me with a tender hand so that I may walk in Your ways and show others the beauty I see through Your victory. Praise be to You, now and forever. Amen.

Hey Y’all

     “Lemme call you right back” is a saying Southerners have. It’s really their version of ending a conversation without saying goodbye. I laughed when this popped up on my FB feed because I’ve said this phrase many times. I don’t even want to say goodbye to my friends and family, it seems so final. So this phrase is a pleasant alternative. “We’ll talk again soon“ is all it’s really saying.

     I’ve had a hard time sitting down with my Bible since my father passed away. Now that’s not to say I’ve lost my faith... I still pray at every opportunity, so much so, that my son randomly acknowledged me as a prayer warrior recently. I’m still very active in my church and glad to be there. There are people in my immediate circle that are walking similar paths of grief and I’m thankful for them. We touch base and pray extra for each other. But me and my Bible and the stillness of my devotional time, I’m just not ready for it.

     I think it’s fair to say that I’m still knee-deep in the stages of grief. But I’m not moving from one stage to the next. Instead, my grief journey seems to be like a child attending a trampoline park, bouncing from one stage of grief to the next and back, with no discerning rhyme or reason.

     It’s getting better though, I can often speak of him without falling apart and I don’t cry every time a song or commercial about fathers comes on. Just so you know, Father’s Day sucks for grieving families just as much as for fathers in poor situations. I’ve sworn off cable TV and I’m a master at channel surfing on the radio if I think some sappy commercial is coming on.

    But finally, now that I’ve shared all that craziness with you, on to my actual post. If you’re still reading this, thanks. I sat down with my Bible and no plan this evening. After looking randomly through devotionals, I came across a good verse that I wanted to share. Psalm 31:15 says, “My future is in your hands.“ So simple, right? And yet, reading these words was my reminder that it’s OK to not be OK all the time. God’s got me. There is a plan and my role is to simply allow Him to use me – my experiences, my pain, my love, my voice, my actions – to further His kingdom. And for that, all I can say is “Thank you, Jesus!”

     I’ve always loved gospel music, there’s a special place in my heart for it. I love that it can reach into the very depths of your soul with its power. So I hope you look up Kirk Franklin‘s “I Smile“ and enjoy your journey as much as I’m remembering to enjoy mine. Here are some lyrics from the song followed by a short prayer I hope you get a chance to read. Please remember the images on this blog are most likely not mine. I don’t claim ownership, I’m just sharing something I liked.

I Smile - Kirk Franklin

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright

I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower

I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile, so smile

Father God, thank you for keeping Your guiding hand on my life. Fill me with Your love so that I may share the joys You have blessed me with. In Your gracious and holy name I pray, amen.

Ushering in The New Year

2018 will be a year of new experiences. Some good, some bad, but all new. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I have been feeling this much more acutely as of late. My father lost his battle with cancer in early December. My children and I were blessed to be able to spend a long winter holiday with the majority of our family and friends to honor my father and reconnect after several years apart. December was a rough month for us, not unlike it is for many people. We dived headfirst into grief and all the baggage that entails. A wonderful woman I am grateful to share a church family with reminded me best in saying, "This was never your burden to bear. Acknowledge the trauma, give it the time and priority it deserves. But then, let it go." Traveling back to family allowed us to re-center ourselves. We left with sadness, but renewed purpose that this is the path we were called to be on.

Expectantly so, God has placed a word on my heart for 2018, breathe. How fitting, isn't it? Just breathe. One of my favorite Christian songs reminds us so much about how we allow ourselves to get trapped in the day to day, weighed down by man's purpose. When we take the time to breathe, to let go and let God, we allow ourselves to be redirected back to God's purpose for our lives. This is not my plan, this is God working through me to fulfill His plan. When was the last time you took the time to really breathe? To take a step back and collect your thoughts? For me, the past six months were just a whirlwind of emotion and busy-ness.

The lyrics of Breathe by Jonny Diaz are a perfect reflection of where I found myself in late 2017:

     Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
     It’s off to the races everybody out the door
     I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life

     Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
     Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
     So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
     It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
     When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel you say just

     Breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need
     Is to just breathe

     Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
     Want to make the most of time but I feel it slip away
     I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life
     I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see
     That I only have time for me, me, me
     There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life
     I’m hanging on tight to another wild day
     When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear you say just

     Breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need

     Is to take it in, fill your lungs
     The peace of God that overcomes
     Just breathe (just breathe)
     Let your weary spirit rest
     Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
     Just breathe (just breathe)

     Just breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need
     Is to just breathe
    Just breathe

So, here's to moving forward. Let's forge a new path. 2018 is going to be the best year we can hope for it to be. Is there a word or a phrase weighing on your heart? Have you taken the time to listen? Allow me to leave you with this verse, Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore, I will hope in Him.'" I pray God's blessing on your life in the coming year. I pray you find the answers to the deepest desires of your soul as God wishes to respond to them. I pray you remember to breathe.