Life Changes

This country song by Thomas Rhett caught me off-guard tonight. It also reminded me that its been a “hot minute” since I posted to this blog. So, here is a portion of the lyrics in case you’re interested:

"Waking up in my college dorm, Yeah, my life, it was pretty normal. Looking for a date to the spring formal Wasn’t worried about nothing else, no. Majoring in undecided, Notebook full of bad songs I was writing. Never dreamed anyone else would like ‘em. Now they’re sitting on a Wal-mart shelf. Ain’t it funny how life changes. You wake up, ain’t nothing the same and life changes. You can’t stop it, just hop on the train and You never know what’s gonna happen. You make your plans and you hear God laughing. Life changes, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, oh no, And I wouldn’t change it for the world, oh no.”

The song continues on, its beautiful and you should take a moment to enjoy it. But, I just wanted to get through the chorus. The line “you make your plans and you hear God laughing” is where I’m at today. What a rollercoaster ride life is. I have to say that, although I REALLY didn’t like them, I wouldn’t trade my lows in life because they helped to shape who I am today. If you’ve been keeping up with our story, you’ll understand a bit better what I’m referring to. If you don’t know, go back to the 2015/2016 posts and everything will become clear.

The Bible talks constantly about change. It is a part of existence and is experienced by everyone. As my family and I continue to dive into the roles God has laid before us, we each find ourselves ever-evolving. Renewing my faith with the Nazarene church and finding purpose in my walk with God has just been the beginning. He continues to open doors and close them too. Sometimes I think I know exactly the plan God is setting before me and I run towards it with excitement and expectation, only to find that door closed and, as the song says “hear God laughing.” He knows the plans for me, for my family, my job, my church, our world and the best I can hope to be is a vessel of compassion and love.

For me, change and release of the plan is not in my nature. I am the planner, the preparer, the outline-holder (is that a thing?). I love plans, and organization, and following through. But this is not how God works. And so, when I’m confronted with change, I struggle. I struggle because it challenges my expectations, my routines, my comfort, and my world. I'm sure I've written on this before but it is a constant challenge in my life. However, I’m continuing to let go and let God lead and its getting easier. God is the shepherd, after all. I find solace in knowing that at least He will never change. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The Lord Himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid.” So here I am, Lord, on my knees again. I pray that You continue to see fit to use me as Your vessel. Fill me with Your spirit and make me an example of Your love. Guide me with a tender hand so that I may walk in Your ways and show others the beauty I see through Your victory. Praise be to You, now and forever. Amen.

Hey Y’all

     “Lemme call you right back” is a saying Southerners have. It’s really their version of ending a conversation without saying goodbye. I laughed when this popped up on my FB feed because I’ve said this phrase many times. I don’t even want to say goodbye to my friends and family, it seems so final. So this phrase is a pleasant alternative. “We’ll talk again soon“ is all it’s really saying.

     I’ve had a hard time sitting down with my Bible since my father passed away. Now that’s not to say I’ve lost my faith... I still pray at every opportunity, so much so, that my son randomly acknowledged me as a prayer warrior recently. I’m still very active in my church and glad to be there. There are people in my immediate circle that are walking similar paths of grief and I’m thankful for them. We touch base and pray extra for each other. But me and my Bible and the stillness of my devotional time, I’m just not ready for it.

     I think it’s fair to say that I’m still knee-deep in the stages of grief. But I’m not moving from one stage to the next. Instead, my grief journey seems to be like a child attending a trampoline park, bouncing from one stage of grief to the next and back, with no discerning rhyme or reason.

     It’s getting better though, I can often speak of him without falling apart and I don’t cry every time a song or commercial about fathers comes on. Just so you know, Father’s Day sucks for grieving families just as much as for fathers in poor situations. I’ve sworn off cable TV and I’m a master at channel surfing on the radio if I think some sappy commercial is coming on.

    But finally, now that I’ve shared all that craziness with you, on to my actual post. If you’re still reading this, thanks. I sat down with my Bible and no plan this evening. After looking randomly through devotionals, I came across a good verse that I wanted to share. Psalm 31:15 says, “My future is in your hands.“ So simple, right? And yet, reading these words was my reminder that it’s OK to not be OK all the time. God’s got me. There is a plan and my role is to simply allow Him to use me – my experiences, my pain, my love, my voice, my actions – to further His kingdom. And for that, all I can say is “Thank you, Jesus!”

     I’ve always loved gospel music, there’s a special place in my heart for it. I love that it can reach into the very depths of your soul with its power. So I hope you look up Kirk Franklin‘s “I Smile“ and enjoy your journey as much as I’m remembering to enjoy mine. Here are some lyrics from the song followed by a short prayer I hope you get a chance to read. Please remember the images on this blog are most likely not mine. I don’t claim ownership, I’m just sharing something I liked.

I Smile - Kirk Franklin

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright

I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower

I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile, so smile

Father God, thank you for keeping Your guiding hand on my life. Fill me with Your love so that I may share the joys You have blessed me with. In Your gracious and holy name I pray, amen.

Ushering in The New Year

2018 will be a year of new experiences. Some good, some bad, but all new. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I have been feeling this much more acutely as of late. My father lost his battle with cancer in early December. My children and I were blessed to be able to spend a long winter holiday with the majority of our family and friends to honor my father and reconnect after several years apart. December was a rough month for us, not unlike it is for many people. We dived headfirst into grief and all the baggage that entails. A wonderful woman I am grateful to share a church family with reminded me best in saying, "This was never your burden to bear. Acknowledge the trauma, give it the time and priority it deserves. But then, let it go." Traveling back to family allowed us to re-center ourselves. We left with sadness, but renewed purpose that this is the path we were called to be on.

Expectantly so, God has placed a word on my heart for 2018, breathe. How fitting, isn't it? Just breathe. One of my favorite Christian songs reminds us so much about how we allow ourselves to get trapped in the day to day, weighed down by man's purpose. When we take the time to breathe, to let go and let God, we allow ourselves to be redirected back to God's purpose for our lives. This is not my plan, this is God working through me to fulfill His plan. When was the last time you took the time to really breathe? To take a step back and collect your thoughts? For me, the past six months were just a whirlwind of emotion and busy-ness.

The lyrics of Breathe by Jonny Diaz are a perfect reflection of where I found myself in late 2017:

     Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
     It’s off to the races everybody out the door
     I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life

     Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
     Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
     So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
     It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
     When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel you say just

     Breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need
     Is to just breathe

     Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
     Want to make the most of time but I feel it slip away
     I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life
     I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see
     That I only have time for me, me, me
     There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life
     I’m hanging on tight to another wild day
     When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear you say just

     Breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need

     Is to take it in, fill your lungs
     The peace of God that overcomes
     Just breathe (just breathe)
     Let your weary spirit rest
     Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
     Just breathe (just breathe)

     Just breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need
     Is to just breathe
    Just breathe

So, here's to moving forward. Let's forge a new path. 2018 is going to be the best year we can hope for it to be. Is there a word or a phrase weighing on your heart? Have you taken the time to listen? Allow me to leave you with this verse, Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore, I will hope in Him.'" I pray God's blessing on your life in the coming year. I pray you find the answers to the deepest desires of your soul as God wishes to respond to them. I pray you remember to breathe.

A Daughter's Prayer

As I sit in the quiet of a still house and listen to my father's even breathing, I'm struck by how quickly life can change. Like a brisk Oklahoma wind ushering in the change of seasons, the path of life is so quickly altered. I read a quote once attributed to Buddha that said, "The trouble is, you think you have time."  So here is a snippet of what I've seen in the past few days.

   
     What cancer is:
          -quiet moments, hushed voices, care and kindness.
          -forgotten letters, difficult decisions, long, sleepless nights.
          -wonder and dread ticking away like an old clock.
          -revisiting memories.
          -medication in an old cowboy hat.
          -tears and sadness, anger and despair.
          -the harbinger of change.

     What cancer isn't:
          -a clearly defined path or timeframe.
          -the culmination of a life.
          -the end of the story.
          -the death of hope and love.
          -kind.

Winnie-the-Pooh said it best when he said, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard."

I wonder what tomorrow will bring... joy? sorrow? As I lean heavier on my faith, I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. For now, the grief comes in waves and I embrace them as they come. I try to work through them so they don't pull me under as they once did during my brother's passing. For now, I stand in the strength and knowledge of God's will. Genesis 28:15 promises us, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you." And so today and every day, for as long as I need, I will stand in the gap to pray:

Heavenly Father, you didn't promise us that the days would come without pain, that we could laugh without feeling sorrow, or that there would be sunshine without rain. You did promise a guiding hand, a master plan; to give us strength for each day, comfort as we pray, and a light for the way. Blessed are we for such wonderful gifts. Clear our minds of uncertainty, free our hearts of despair. Help us to love and be loved until we greet you at the Pearly Gates, where fear and sickness and death cannot take hold. Thank you for these moments, however fleeting. It's in your glorious name I pray. Amen.

Beauty From Ashes

'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”' This verse out of Lamentations has been with me lately. We continue to stand in awe of His awesomeness. 

We've taken to spending time hunting for sea glass along the shoreline sometimes instead of actively enjoying the ocean. This has honestly become one of my favorite activities. We are quiet and searching, hoping for a fragment to share with the family. We spend hours cleaning up a beach while looking for tiny treasures to take back with us.

Sea glass is nothing more than broken bottles or other assorted glass fragments that have been caught by the sea. Cast aside by its former owner, the water pummels it, sands scratches and smooths, rough edges are worn away to repurpose this rubbish for new life in the ocean. In reality, it is nothing more than trash, marine debris. But for others, a beautiful treasure.

As I reflect on this, I see God in so many ways. In the quiet still moments of our day, we hear God most clearly. We see the work He has done in our lives. When we focus on Him, the world fades to a distant rumble and we can actively pursue God's plan. And the joy of finding such treasure! The victory of knowing we trudged through until we caught hold of the perfect piece, this is the victory of our purpose in Him. 

Sea glass is beauty from the ashes and again and again I find my life a reflection of this. My rough edges are being slowly smoothed away. What I thought was my purpose in life is merely a stepping stone and I continue to be repurposed. As will you will. You are sea glass, beauty from ashes. To rise again with new purpose, the rough and worn edges smoothed away and given new life. Maybe it will take multiple attempts to find your place in God's plan, but just think of the beautiful, chaotic, tumultuous, worthwhile journey.

The Power of Grace

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

"Grace" is my word for the year. Having grace in my own journey, giving grace to others, and being an example of grace. This post has been a long time coming but I've struggled with how to put into words my feelings and desires of as late. Last year, walking in faith was a big step. To have and show grace has been a constant struggle for me, mostly in myself.

Often times, it is easy to give ourselves grace when we make mistakes, poor judgement calls or "judge" someone else harshly. It can often be blown off by saying, "Oh I was just having a bad day," or "I'll just pray for forgiveness" and leave the situation unresolved. Opening those lines of communication and having those difficult conversations is trying for most and I am no exception. My pride gets in the way. So while I'm giving myself grace in being vulnerable, I'm attempting to give others that same grace because they deserve it just as much. Or maybe they don't but its not a judgement call I should be making.

Just as I'm giving myself grace, I'm trying to be patient with others as they flounder through life just like I am. Its sometimes draining to stay positive and remember that things will work out one way or another but, again, I'm trying. Especially with the kids, I'm trying to be more deliberate in walking in grace. Because I'm critical of myself, I am also critical with them. Occasionally they need it but often they need to SEE my grace and love more.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Along this walk, I'm finding my heart and my family being pulled to ministry and we're finally at a place in our journey where Mark and I are allowing ourselves to be led. We are learning to submit ourselves and be content with a role with greater emotional reward than monetary. Sometimes this means change of job roles and more walking in grace. We pray for favor in this. In this submission over the past year, I have seen so many blessings open up before us. Ones that we might have missed had we not been paying attention. I'm learning that God's grace is dynamic. It motivates and empowers us.

One Year Anniversary

Today is one year anniversary of the call to action in our lives. One year ago today, we put all our eggs in one basket, pushed our husband and father out of the house, and prayed that we would learn to fly as we all jumped from that proverbial cliff. I've learned quite a few things in the last year and I thought I'd share some of them with you. 

There were things that we did in an effort to save ourselves emotionally and/or physically. I wish I had gone ahead and reached out to our family and friends more. Things that we did that hurt our friends and our family when our intentions were noble that I wish I could take back. I wish I could go back and explain better the reasoning for our decisions. The method behind our mad thoughts. In the midst of the shame, fear, sadness and loneliness that we felt, I wish we had felt comfortable enough to reach out to our "supporters."

To those "supporters" I want to say thank you. Thank you for the last year of prayers, words of comfort or support. Thank you for loving us when we were less loving. Thank you for believing in us when we struggled to believe in ourselves. Thank you for being genuinely happy for us. Hawaii was a life choice and not just one where we were thinking of beaches and vacation life.

Hawaii is even more than we originally expected. It is absolutely a melting pot in every sense of the word. First world living by Third World standards. You have homeless sleeping outside malls selling Cartier and Tiffany watches. Tiny houses sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars and land is a rapidly shrinking resource. These are just the tip of the iceberg.

I still firmly believe we are here for a reason and I absolutely believe it starts with those two amazing kids I get to call mine. This move has made them strong, more resilient, and opened their eyes to some of the world around them. The changes over the last year are minimal in comparison to what others may be going through. We are strong enough and together, we grow stronger every day.

Strong Enough - Matthew West

You must

You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Serendipity Abounds

This post is a little late in coming, but I still wanted to share this with you. It just goes to show that you never know what is in store for you or what is already in the works.

So, if you are keeping up with this blog, you've been keeping up with our journey over the past year. If not, please feel free to venture through previous posts and learn what we've been up to. That being said, I was having a conversation recently with the office manager about me going to work for this school. Everyone is so very happy I've joined the staff at Waolani Judd. It will fade as I become a more permanent fixture but it's always nice to receive recognition for work done well, to be appreciated for my contributions. The office manager made the comment that, as an office last fall, they handed over their need in prayer for a new employee. She said they had very specific requests but they didn't give up praying. 

They prayed for someone with office experience that had worked with some accounts payable/receivable, some inventory management, a bit of website management, a good multitasker, and someone with childcare experience that could also help out the teachers as an emergency substitute and as an aide when needed. Additionally, they prayed for someone with children that could attend the school so that they could benefit from the opportunities staff members receive. I jokingly asked her when they started praying this prayer.  She laughed and said oh at the start of the school year, so the beginning of August. She continued in a lighthearted manner with, "But we didn't give up. We just kept praying and praying and praying." 

At this point, I was just standing there in shock. It took me a few moments to find words again. I told her that Mark lost his job at the end of August but that things had started a downward trend in the middle of that month. Isn't it funny how God can be at work for the things we pray for without us even knowing? Without us possibly ever seeing everything he has put in place for us? Four thousand miles away from the only home I've ever known, on a tiny island, a small group of people in a small school sent up a small prayer with such conviction that God picked out the perfect answer for them. Without sounding like I'm gloating, so far I feel that I have been everything they prayed for. Someone with a family who could benefit from their children attending. I have office as well as childcare experience. I was an answer to their prayers and they don't let me forget that, which is very humbling at times. 

Just as they prayed for us, our family had started praying for direction. A new path we could walk together. Change is scary, sometimes painful and difficult. The unknown is the same. But, when you can look back and say, I gave it all to Him and He wrapped His arms around us and placed is precisely where we were needed, it is an amazingly beautiful thing. 

The song I chose that I'm listening to a lot right now is Switchfoot's "Live It Well." I hope you are living well. Aloha, my loves!!🌺🌺 

Live It Well

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RW2cayoYGdk

Yeah (I wanna live it well) Yeah, yeah
(I wanna live it well) Yeah

Take the burden from my arms
Take the anchors off my lungs
Take me broken and make me one
Break the silence and make it a song

Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah

I wanna sing with all my heart a lifelong song
Even if some notes come out right and some come out wrong
'Cause I can't take none of that through the door
Yeah, I'm living for more than just a funeral
I wanna burn brighter than the dawn

Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah

I got one life and one love
I got one voice, but maybe that's enough
'Cause with one heartbeat and two hands to give
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live, yeah
And every breath you take is a miracle

Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell (one love)
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for (the one, yeah)
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for

One life, one love
(One love) One life, one love
(One voice) One voice, yeah
(And that's enough) And that's enough, oh
(One heartbeat, two hands to give)
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live

Travels of the Heart

Happy Saturday! I have some news to share as everyone begins to wrap up the month of July. As you probably know, Mark accepted a position as project manager for a company here on the island. He's wading through training currently. Inter-island travel, dedicated 40 hours, and mandatory vacation time each year are just a few of the perks. 

We decided to enroll the kids in a private school rather than continue to homeschool. It will be a big change but they've always greeted challenges head on and we know they will do well. This school is part of the church we are attending, so the kids have already had the opportunity to meet much of the staff and some of the other students.

Along with the kids' school news, I have accepted a position at the school as well. I will be working some in their preschool room and also as an office assistant. I joked with the principal that it has been 11 years since I sat behind a desk, but I'm sure the learning curve isn't terrible. We'll all be home together for weeknight dinners and weekend trips and homework and activities and last minute projects and study sessions, lol. 

While change is sometimes hard, other times it is quite easy. Here's to navigating new waters!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Paper Bag Princess

Today I come sharing a post with no fancy scripture or beautiful song. This post is about a moment in which my heart was so happy, it almost leaped out of my chest.

Yesterday at Honolulu First Church of the Nazarene, we attended a program to teach us about the Nazarene faith. I knew from previous experiences that the Nazarene ideals and the Methodist are very similar but I didn't know to what extent. I felt that if we were going to become regular attendees to this church, that we should be aware of the many facets that make up this particular religion. 

On the way to church, Irelynn told me that she really wanted to start making blessing bags again. Now a blessing bag is really just a care package that she came up with to help the homeless in our Oklahoma community. She put together a small, non-perishable meal and a card from our church and had them ready for when we happened across such a fellow.

So we began a discussion about what she could do, how she could best use resources available to her and how she could be serve this community. The children attended the program with me because I believe they are old enough to share in this decision. They were both attentive and active participants. One question Irelynn asked in particular makes me think much on her future. She asked if it was considered missionary work if you reached out to your local community. She said she would like to learn different languages to be able to share the word with people here that may not have access to it. 

After the program ended for the day, I suggested that she speak with the preacher about her idea for the blessing bags. Pastor Randy seems very much to be a person with a heart for missions. Not surprisingly, he loved the idea and even gave Irelynn another gentleman who has been nudging the pastor about restarting a similar activity that the church once took part in. She was so filled with joy that it filled me up as well.

The message in service that day was about the story of the paper bag princess and the Apostle Paul. Sometimes, the heroes we have in the world don't come dressed as such. They are the ordinary everyday that have such extraordinary love, compassion and drive in their hearts that it must be shared. And then, in the story of Paul, we are reminded that our work is nothing more than to give back the gift of love we were first given and to share it.

My little paper bag princess has great big things in her future and I can't wait to watch them unfold.