A Daughter's Prayer

As I sit in the quiet of a still house and listen to my father's even breathing, I'm struck by how quickly life can change. Like a brisk Oklahoma wind ushering in the change of seasons, the path of life is so quickly altered. I read a quote once attributed to Buddha that said, "The trouble is, you think you have time."  So here is a snippet of what I've seen in the past few days.

   
     What cancer is:
          -quiet moments, hushed voices, care and kindness.
          -forgotten letters, difficult decisions, long, sleepless nights.
          -wonder and dread ticking away like an old clock.
          -revisiting memories.
          -medication in an old cowboy hat.
          -tears and sadness, anger and despair.
          -the harbinger of change.

     What cancer isn't:
          -a clearly defined path or timeframe.
          -the culmination of a life.
          -the end of the story.
          -the death of hope and love.
          -kind.

Winnie-the-Pooh said it best when he said, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard."

I wonder what tomorrow will bring... joy? sorrow? As I lean heavier on my faith, I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. For now, the grief comes in waves and I embrace them as they come. I try to work through them so they don't pull me under as they once did during my brother's passing. For now, I stand in the strength and knowledge of God's will. Genesis 28:15 promises us, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you." And so today and every day, for as long as I need, I will stand in the gap to pray:

Heavenly Father, you didn't promise us that the days would come without pain, that we could laugh without feeling sorrow, or that there would be sunshine without rain. You did promise a guiding hand, a master plan; to give us strength for each day, comfort as we pray, and a light for the way. Blessed are we for such wonderful gifts. Clear our minds of uncertainty, free our hearts of despair. Help us to love and be loved until we greet you at the Pearly Gates, where fear and sickness and death cannot take hold. Thank you for these moments, however fleeting. It's in your glorious name I pray. Amen.

Beauty From Ashes

'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”' This verse out of Lamentations has been with me lately. We continue to stand in awe of His awesomeness. 

We've taken to spending time hunting for sea glass along the shoreline sometimes instead of actively enjoying the ocean. This has honestly become one of my favorite activities. We are quiet and searching, hoping for a fragment to share with the family. We spend hours cleaning up a beach while looking for tiny treasures to take back with us.

Sea glass is nothing more than broken bottles or other assorted glass fragments that have been caught by the sea. Cast aside by its former owner, the water pummels it, sands scratches and smooths, rough edges are worn away to repurpose this rubbish for new life in the ocean. In reality, it is nothing more than trash, marine debris. But for others, a beautiful treasure.

As I reflect on this, I see God in so many ways. In the quiet still moments of our day, we hear God most clearly. We see the work He has done in our lives. When we focus on Him, the world fades to a distant rumble and we can actively pursue God's plan. And the joy of finding such treasure! The victory of knowing we trudged through until we caught hold of the perfect piece, this is the victory of our purpose in Him. 

Sea glass is beauty from the ashes and again and again I find my life a reflection of this. My rough edges are being slowly smoothed away. What I thought was my purpose in life is merely a stepping stone and I continue to be repurposed. As will you will. You are sea glass, beauty from ashes. To rise again with new purpose, the rough and worn edges smoothed away and given new life. Maybe it will take multiple attempts to find your place in God's plan, but just think of the beautiful, chaotic, tumultuous, worthwhile journey.

The Power of Grace

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

"Grace" is my word for the year. Having grace in my own journey, giving grace to others, and being an example of grace. This post has been a long time coming but I've struggled with how to put into words my feelings and desires of as late. Last year, walking in faith was a big step. To have and show grace has been a constant struggle for me, mostly in myself.

Often times, it is easy to give ourselves grace when we make mistakes, poor judgement calls or "judge" someone else harshly. It can often be blown off by saying, "Oh I was just having a bad day," or "I'll just pray for forgiveness" and leave the situation unresolved. Opening those lines of communication and having those difficult conversations is trying for most and I am no exception. My pride gets in the way. So while I'm giving myself grace in being vulnerable, I'm attempting to give others that same grace because they deserve it just as much. Or maybe they don't but its not a judgement call I should be making.

Just as I'm giving myself grace, I'm trying to be patient with others as they flounder through life just like I am. Its sometimes draining to stay positive and remember that things will work out one way or another but, again, I'm trying. Especially with the kids, I'm trying to be more deliberate in walking in grace. Because I'm critical of myself, I am also critical with them. Occasionally they need it but often they need to SEE my grace and love more.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Along this walk, I'm finding my heart and my family being pulled to ministry and we're finally at a place in our journey where Mark and I are allowing ourselves to be led. We are learning to submit ourselves and be content with a role with greater emotional reward than monetary. Sometimes this means change of job roles and more walking in grace. We pray for favor in this. In this submission over the past year, I have seen so many blessings open up before us. Ones that we might have missed had we not been paying attention. I'm learning that God's grace is dynamic. It motivates and empowers us.

One Year Anniversary

Today is one year anniversary of the call to action in our lives. One year ago today, we put all our eggs in one basket, pushed our husband and father out of the house, and prayed that we would learn to fly as we all jumped from that proverbial cliff. I've learned quite a few things in the last year and I thought I'd share some of them with you. 

There were things that we did in an effort to save ourselves emotionally and/or physically. I wish I had gone ahead and reached out to our family and friends more. Things that we did that hurt our friends and our family when our intentions were noble that I wish I could take back. I wish I could go back and explain better the reasoning for our decisions. The method behind our mad thoughts. In the midst of the shame, fear, sadness and loneliness that we felt, I wish we had felt comfortable enough to reach out to our "supporters."

To those "supporters" I want to say thank you. Thank you for the last year of prayers, words of comfort or support. Thank you for loving us when we were less loving. Thank you for believing in us when we struggled to believe in ourselves. Thank you for being genuinely happy for us. Hawaii was a life choice and not just one where we were thinking of beaches and vacation life.

Hawaii is even more than we originally expected. It is absolutely a melting pot in every sense of the word. First world living by Third World standards. You have homeless sleeping outside malls selling Cartier and Tiffany watches. Tiny houses sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars and land is a rapidly shrinking resource. These are just the tip of the iceberg.

I still firmly believe we are here for a reason and I absolutely believe it starts with those two amazing kids I get to call mine. This move has made them strong, more resilient, and opened their eyes to some of the world around them. The changes over the last year are minimal in comparison to what others may be going through. We are strong enough and together, we grow stronger every day.

Strong Enough - Matthew West

You must

You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Serendipity Abounds

This post is a little late in coming, but I still wanted to share this with you. It just goes to show that you never know what is in store for you or what is already in the works.

So, if you are keeping up with this blog, you've been keeping up with our journey over the past year. If not, please feel free to venture through previous posts and learn what we've been up to. That being said, I was having a conversation recently with the office manager about me going to work for this school. Everyone is so very happy I've joined the staff at Waolani Judd. It will fade as I become a more permanent fixture but it's always nice to receive recognition for work done well, to be appreciated for my contributions. The office manager made the comment that, as an office last fall, they handed over their need in prayer for a new employee. She said they had very specific requests but they didn't give up praying. 

They prayed for someone with office experience that had worked with some accounts payable/receivable, some inventory management, a bit of website management, a good multitasker, and someone with childcare experience that could also help out the teachers as an emergency substitute and as an aide when needed. Additionally, they prayed for someone with children that could attend the school so that they could benefit from the opportunities staff members receive. I jokingly asked her when they started praying this prayer.  She laughed and said oh at the start of the school year, so the beginning of August. She continued in a lighthearted manner with, "But we didn't give up. We just kept praying and praying and praying." 

At this point, I was just standing there in shock. It took me a few moments to find words again. I told her that Mark lost his job at the end of August but that things had started a downward trend in the middle of that month. Isn't it funny how God can be at work for the things we pray for without us even knowing? Without us possibly ever seeing everything he has put in place for us? Four thousand miles away from the only home I've ever known, on a tiny island, a small group of people in a small school sent up a small prayer with such conviction that God picked out the perfect answer for them. Without sounding like I'm gloating, so far I feel that I have been everything they prayed for. Someone with a family who could benefit from their children attending. I have office as well as childcare experience. I was an answer to their prayers and they don't let me forget that, which is very humbling at times. 

Just as they prayed for us, our family had started praying for direction. A new path we could walk together. Change is scary, sometimes painful and difficult. The unknown is the same. But, when you can look back and say, I gave it all to Him and He wrapped His arms around us and placed is precisely where we were needed, it is an amazingly beautiful thing. 

The song I chose that I'm listening to a lot right now is Switchfoot's "Live It Well." I hope you are living well. Aloha, my loves!!🌺🌺 

Live It Well

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RW2cayoYGdk

Yeah (I wanna live it well) Yeah, yeah
(I wanna live it well) Yeah

Take the burden from my arms
Take the anchors off my lungs
Take me broken and make me one
Break the silence and make it a song

Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah

I wanna sing with all my heart a lifelong song
Even if some notes come out right and some come out wrong
'Cause I can't take none of that through the door
Yeah, I'm living for more than just a funeral
I wanna burn brighter than the dawn

Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah

I got one life and one love
I got one voice, but maybe that's enough
'Cause with one heartbeat and two hands to give
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live, yeah
And every breath you take is a miracle

Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell (one love)
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for (the one, yeah)
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for

One life, one love
(One love) One life, one love
(One voice) One voice, yeah
(And that's enough) And that's enough, oh
(One heartbeat, two hands to give)
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live

Travels of the Heart

Happy Saturday! I have some news to share as everyone begins to wrap up the month of July. As you probably know, Mark accepted a position as project manager for a company here on the island. He's wading through training currently. Inter-island travel, dedicated 40 hours, and mandatory vacation time each year are just a few of the perks. 

We decided to enroll the kids in a private school rather than continue to homeschool. It will be a big change but they've always greeted challenges head on and we know they will do well. This school is part of the church we are attending, so the kids have already had the opportunity to meet much of the staff and some of the other students.

Along with the kids' school news, I have accepted a position at the school as well. I will be working some in their preschool room and also as an office assistant. I joked with the principal that it has been 11 years since I sat behind a desk, but I'm sure the learning curve isn't terrible. We'll all be home together for weeknight dinners and weekend trips and homework and activities and last minute projects and study sessions, lol. 

While change is sometimes hard, other times it is quite easy. Here's to navigating new waters!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Paper Bag Princess

Today I come sharing a post with no fancy scripture or beautiful song. This post is about a moment in which my heart was so happy, it almost leaped out of my chest.

Yesterday at Honolulu First Church of the Nazarene, we attended a program to teach us about the Nazarene faith. I knew from previous experiences that the Nazarene ideals and the Methodist are very similar but I didn't know to what extent. I felt that if we were going to become regular attendees to this church, that we should be aware of the many facets that make up this particular religion. 

On the way to church, Irelynn told me that she really wanted to start making blessing bags again. Now a blessing bag is really just a care package that she came up with to help the homeless in our Oklahoma community. She put together a small, non-perishable meal and a card from our church and had them ready for when we happened across such a fellow.

So we began a discussion about what she could do, how she could best use resources available to her and how she could be serve this community. The children attended the program with me because I believe they are old enough to share in this decision. They were both attentive and active participants. One question Irelynn asked in particular makes me think much on her future. She asked if it was considered missionary work if you reached out to your local community. She said she would like to learn different languages to be able to share the word with people here that may not have access to it. 

After the program ended for the day, I suggested that she speak with the preacher about her idea for the blessing bags. Pastor Randy seems very much to be a person with a heart for missions. Not surprisingly, he loved the idea and even gave Irelynn another gentleman who has been nudging the pastor about restarting a similar activity that the church once took part in. She was so filled with joy that it filled me up as well.

The message in service that day was about the story of the paper bag princess and the Apostle Paul. Sometimes, the heroes we have in the world don't come dressed as such. They are the ordinary everyday that have such extraordinary love, compassion and drive in their hearts that it must be shared. And then, in the story of Paul, we are reminded that our work is nothing more than to give back the gift of love we were first given and to share it.

My little paper bag princess has great big things in her future and I can't wait to watch them unfold.

You'll Never Be Alone

I wasn't looking for a sign. We were busy getting a life started here and once again I'm reminded that the path we're on is bigger than just us. Let me give you a perfect example. I'm taking you back to this past Pentecost Sunday, May 15th. In traditional Christian circles, it's known as the beginning of the church. I had requested with my work that starting in June, I work a closing shift so that we could start looking for a church home. I was contacted May 14th, Saturday afternoon and told that my request was being honored and effective immediately. We chose a church close to our house. It was a preacher that Mark had met through his work. The church is a Nazarene church and I think we probably all went into the service with our own apprehensions. There was definitely a lot of emotion both expressed and withheld from our family but one of the things that definitely stood out to me was the proclamation of Pentecost Sunday. 

The message was what does this mean and what shall we do? One of the Bible verses the pastor spoke about said I'm sending you. One of the last services I listened to before we actually made the move was part of a series called Dangerous Prayers at Life.Church and in it we prayed to be broken, to ask to be sent where he needs us and that message spoke to me deeply. It scared me but it gave me conviction and furthered my believe that stepping out in faith was what we were meant to do. Now I don't know if this church will become a place we can start setting down roots or not. I do know it was another awakening, a good reminder that we are where we are supposed to be and also that we need to continue moving forward because there are greater things in store.

This post's song lyrics come from Capital Kings, "You'll Never Be Alone"

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone

Hey

Let me start it off by sayin' this

You mean everything to me nothin' I wouldn't risk
Every single second and moment that passes by
I'm thinkin' about you and I really want you to know that

There's something more out there
Somethin' that will hold you very tight when you're scared
'Cause I know when times get tough and it starts to feel rough
It can feel like everythings crashin' down on ya

So when it seems like every road you're on has hit a dead end
There is hope
Let me show

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

Man
Crazy how you got this far
I'd be sittin' just wonderin' where to start
Last week you were sayin' that somethin' just ain't right
Layin' in your bed stayin' up all night

'Cause
This life is harder than it seems
But one thing I've learned is never stop chasin' your dreams
And if it, if it ever get's to hectic for you
Stop for a second and remember one thing.

So when it seems like every road you're on has hit a dead end
There is hope
Let me show

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

Sometimes life is an ocean
We're just trying to flow
We get caught in slow motion
From the undertow

Sometimes the path to choose
Is right in front of you
You just gotta let go

I'm the street lights that guide you home
I'll be the G.P.S when you've lost your phone
I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones
I'll show you the signs
To let you know

You'll never be alone

The Eye of the Beholder

We have officially been in Hawaii a full week now. We are getting settled into routines and unpacking has been minimized to just what comes in the mail that day. My poor parents were left with a room of boxes to send to us over the next few months. Still cheaper than a moving company, but a hassle all the same. Thanks to the home decorator's eye of a good friend, hard labor of another friend, an eye for a deal by my husband and friends, and then the random items I packed to fill our new home, things are starting to come together. 

It's funny how the brain rationalizes change. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea listening to the rain, and it rains every day in the valley, and thinking of how easy this final transition has been on the kids. When we walked into this house, it became home. We lived out of suitcases and the kids on an air bed for a few days. Eventually, I found a deal on beds I wanted for such a small space and we started really putting our mark on this home. We've gotten into a pretty good routine again with the kids' schoolwork as well.

We been bouncing between acting like tourists and like locals. We've made a couple of trips to see some sights but we've also walked around Kalihi just to learn where things are and get to know the town we now live in. On Monday, my "staycation" is over and I go back to work. We'll have to adjust our routines again, but hopefully it will be another easy transition.

 I have missed being home with my kids all day. I've been being able to kiss my husband hello after work. I've missed being able to run errands and clean house or work on a garden throughout my day. At the same time, I've missed interacting with my regulars. I've missed hanging out with my coworkers. I'm ready to go back to work but I'm just not ready to leave my family. Isn't that funny?

Perspective is a good thing. I have a servant's heart and I show love through my actions. By cooking or cleaning or interacting with my family, I share my love. It's the same at work. I show my appreciation for my job, for my customers by devoting time to each of them. To me, it's a beautiful thing. I've been reading some sermons online as we've yet to find a church close by and I wanted to share part of one with you:

It's true: beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and as the adage goes, "The eyes are the window to the soul." Even Jesus spoke of this in Matthew 6:22-23 (Living Bible translation): "If your eye is pure, there will be sunshine in your soul. But if your eye is clouded with evil thoughts and desires, you are in deep spiritual darkness. And oh, how deep that darkness can be!"

Spiritual vision is our capacity to see clearly what God wants to do in our lives. But this spiritual insight can be easily clouded by our thoughts and desires. Self-serving desires, interests, and goals block that vision and cause us to see everything in a negative light.

I think author Ed Rehbein said it best: "A 'clear' eye is healthy, whole, pure and unspotted. A person with a clear eye has a wholesome outlook--he sets his focus on that which is good. Consequently, he fills himself with light. 'Light' is a figure of speech describing things that are good in life such as truth, righteousness and purity--even God and Jesus are called light (1 John 1:5 & John 1:4). So a clear eye opens the window of your soul to the sweet Light of Life."

I want so much to see the world through God's eyes. I want the same compassion and love found in His eyes to be revealed in mine as well. Instead of finding fault in others, I want to see their true beauty. Instead of focusing on weaknesses, I hope to make an effort to search for strong points.

One of my new favorite sayings

Here's to living well, my friends! Aloha!🌺

One Box at a Time

We are officially in the single-digit countdown to be together as a family in Hawaii. There have been so many highs and lows in this journey that it's hard to believe we are finished with one chapter and starting a new one. What little belongings we have left to start this new life with a fresh outlook we are sending one box at a time across the big blue. The poor mailman is going to hate us for the next couple of weeks. 

I'm sad to leave Oklahoma. This has been everything I've ever known but I'm so excited for this new adventure. There are so many lessons I hope this teaches our children.   I want them to know that sometimes life is out of your control. You can do everything right and things might still go awry. That doesn't mean this is a failure. You can turn any situation into a good one if you have the right mindset and you take the opportunities that you're presented. Lean on your faith, believe in the good and let life lead you. I want them to learn that what one person believes is success and the American dream is not the same as the next person. 

For some people, the American dream is a single-family home on a quarter acre of land with 2.5 children, a dog, a mortgage, a career, newish cars and a busy schedule. For someone else, the American dream is traveling the world with no limitations, hopping from city to city: no kids, new ideals of what marriage entails, a job that takes them far and requires much of their free time. Still someone else might believe that the American dream is living a gypsy life: a tiny home with minimal furniture, lots of adventures and the ability to spread your wings at a moment's notice. Who am I to say that any of these dreams are wrong?

I have loved living in Oklahoma with it's wide-open spaces, friendly people and that feeling of home. I'm excited for Hawaii because although there aren't the wide-open spaces, there's plenty else to explore. So we're leaving our roots in Oklahoma, we're spreading our wings, and we're teaching the kids to fly.