Reflecting Pool

In this chapter of life, I find myself in a constant state of reflection. In truth, once upon a time, I was a "my way or the highway" and "I've got the world figured out if you'll just listen to me" type of person. I'm not sure when or how I evolved into such a reflective-type individual, but here I am.

Everywhere we look in today's world, the United States is remembering a civil rights leader who stood for peace and unity. Those ideals are such a stark contrast to much of what fills our every day lives. When we consider his words and his life, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s every day most likely shared many of today's problems. He fought with kindness for change in a hate-filled world. As I reflect on the impact his life left, I wonder how far we've actually progressed since his time. Absolutely, some aspects of life that have changed for the better but for other things, we've just scratched the surface of change and understanding.

Now, please be patient with me. I know I'm being deliberately vague. I'm not trying to persuade your thinking in one way or the other in regards to Martin Luther King, Jr., the civil rights movement, or anything thereof. I'm using this day as a starting point for a parallel conversation that I'm getting to. My hope is that we can each open ourselves up to be reflective of not only how this world affects us, but also how we affect the world. 1 Peter 2:15-15 says, "Now this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, and honor the king."

I am encouraged by this passage for a number of reasons. First, the author is aware of our humanity and our tendency to not follow these God's will, which is part of his desire to remind us of these things. Second, we are given a simple, grace-filled way to approach the world. Through reflection of verse 17, I interpret this passage to mean: 1) We are called to honor everyone, as fellow humans, as creations of the Master Craftsman. However, we are not expected to honor an evil person in the same way we honor a religious leader, for example. Furthermore, we are also called not to judge others (but that's not in this passage, I'm just dropping it in as bonus). Life experience has brought to reality the quote, "Every saint has a past and every sinner a future." 2) To love the family of believers is to keep a special place in your heart for fellow Christians. These are the people you experience the community of faith with, you worship with them, you pray for them, you lean on them in times of trial, and share your joys as one body. 3) Next we come to fearing God. I feel it is important to think beyond the commonly accepted definition of "fear" to mean "to be afraid of." This phrase tells us instead, I think, to not become too informal with our idea of God. His power is mighty, great, all-encompassing, omnipotent. It is through only His saving grace and the sacrifice of His Son that we can be born again into His kingdom. 4) Lastly, is the phrase honor the king. Again, important to think in the context of the time and not blatantly disregard this statement because the United States doesn't have a king. In putting "king" into a context that fits our situation - a country's leader - this still applies to us. We don't have to agree with the persons in power that represent our country (and there are many guiding the US specifically) or even necessarily like them. We each have a role to play in the redemption of this fallen world and it is an outward practice of compassion to show respect to these leaders and submit them in prayer to our Holy Father, that He may guide their hands and hearts.

These thoughts are simply mine, but I find similar notions reflected in much of the work of Martin Luther King, Jr. One of his most famous quotes says, "Darkness cannot drive our darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." So today, I reflect on how I can continue to train my heart, my imperfect humanity, to live in such a way that I honor God in all I do.

Lord, I know that I am imperfect and unworthy of Your love. Thank you for loving me still and giving me the chance to exemplify Your glory. Help me to live a life worthy of Your praise and the betterment of this world. Assist me in being a reflection of Your love, Lord. I am grateful and humbled to seek Your will in all I do and to be Your hands and feet. Amen.

The Fan Club

I just want to take a moment today and give a “shout-out” to all the people in the world that are cheering others on from the sidelines. You know the people I’m talking about. They are the ones who pray for us, root for good things in our lives, share our accomplishments as if they were their own, and grieve with us over our sorrows. Maybe you are one of these people. 

The irony is, most people aren’t aware of the breadth and depth of their “fan club.” Many, many times the fan club is comprised of people that one person invested in or impressed upon originally. In return, this group shifts from being receivers of love to givers, just as Jesus gave so selflessly. This encouragement is an easy gift, but a vital one. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, ‘And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near’ (ESV).This is part of the full assurance of faith Christ lays out for us in chapters 10 of Hebrews.

Encouragement through presence or prayer is a simple, yet priceless gift to give someone and an honor to be the recipient of. For me, I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who pours into my life, prayers for me, my family, and my church and who is journeying with us. We are grateful for you and pray for you always!

2019's Word of the Year

Happy New Year! Years ago, I stopped making new year's resolutions. I just felt that every day was an opportunity to start again. Instead, I choose a different type of resolution for my year. Philippians 3:13-14 says to us, "

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." 

Just as many of us resolve with the changing of the year to start fresh, I have found myself searching for a word put upon my soul to guide me over the new year. I have prayed for a word to focus on over the last 5 years and I have been consistently given a word to exemplify an area of my life that needs deliberate attention. 2018 found me frazzled and anxious, learning and leaning into many new things without really understanding. This year, I will ALIGN my life to God's will for my future. Instead of taking on opportunities with trepidation and fear, I will align my thoughts to the lessons and guidance I am receiving from our Heavenly Father. I will choose to align the knowledge I am receiving from other pastors and my studies as my husband and I journey on this path to pastorship to directly affect those around me for the growth of God's kingdom. I will worry less about the views of our society so that I may align myself to being a vessel of God's love to others. I will align my prayer life from intentionally praying to becoming a prayer warrior in our church. I will believe in the gifts I was given and align myself to continue to do His good works. I am ALIGNING myself to be a disciple of God, from my innermost thoughts to my outward actions.

What can you do to join me? Is there something placed on your heart? Have you opened yourself up to hearing what God wants you to learn in the coming months? I would love to hear from you. Let me know how God is moving in your life and how I can pray for you!

Walking with you through 2019 for His glory!

Natalie

Life Changes

This country song by Thomas Rhett caught me off-guard tonight. It also reminded me that its been a “hot minute” since I posted to this blog. So, here is a portion of the lyrics in case you’re interested:

"Waking up in my college dorm, Yeah, my life, it was pretty normal. Looking for a date to the spring formal Wasn’t worried about nothing else, no. Majoring in undecided, Notebook full of bad songs I was writing. Never dreamed anyone else would like ‘em. Now they’re sitting on a Wal-mart shelf. Ain’t it funny how life changes. You wake up, ain’t nothing the same and life changes. You can’t stop it, just hop on the train and You never know what’s gonna happen. You make your plans and you hear God laughing. Life changes, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, oh no, And I wouldn’t change it for the world, oh no.”

The song continues on, its beautiful and you should take a moment to enjoy it. But, I just wanted to get through the chorus. The line “you make your plans and you hear God laughing” is where I’m at today. What a rollercoaster ride life is. I have to say that, although I REALLY didn’t like them, I wouldn’t trade my lows in life because they helped to shape who I am today. If you’ve been keeping up with our story, you’ll understand a bit better what I’m referring to. If you don’t know, go back to the 2015/2016 posts and everything will become clear.

The Bible talks constantly about change. It is a part of existence and is experienced by everyone. As my family and I continue to dive into the roles God has laid before us, we each find ourselves ever-evolving. Renewing my faith with the Nazarene church and finding purpose in my walk with God has just been the beginning. He continues to open doors and close them too. Sometimes I think I know exactly the plan God is setting before me and I run towards it with excitement and expectation, only to find that door closed and, as the song says “hear God laughing.” He knows the plans for me, for my family, my job, my church, our world and the best I can hope to be is a vessel of compassion and love.

For me, change and release of the plan is not in my nature. I am the planner, the preparer, the outline-holder (is that a thing?). I love plans, and organization, and following through. But this is not how God works. And so, when I’m confronted with change, I struggle. I struggle because it challenges my expectations, my routines, my comfort, and my world. I'm sure I've written on this before but it is a constant challenge in my life. However, I’m continuing to let go and let God lead and its getting easier. God is the shepherd, after all. I find solace in knowing that at least He will never change. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The Lord Himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid.” So here I am, Lord, on my knees again. I pray that You continue to see fit to use me as Your vessel. Fill me with Your spirit and make me an example of Your love. Guide me with a tender hand so that I may walk in Your ways and show others the beauty I see through Your victory. Praise be to You, now and forever. Amen.

Hey Y’all

     “Lemme call you right back” is a saying Southerners have. It’s really their version of ending a conversation without saying goodbye. I laughed when this popped up on my FB feed because I’ve said this phrase many times. I don’t even want to say goodbye to my friends and family, it seems so final. So this phrase is a pleasant alternative. “We’ll talk again soon“ is all it’s really saying.

     I’ve had a hard time sitting down with my Bible since my father passed away. Now that’s not to say I’ve lost my faith... I still pray at every opportunity, so much so, that my son randomly acknowledged me as a prayer warrior recently. I’m still very active in my church and glad to be there. There are people in my immediate circle that are walking similar paths of grief and I’m thankful for them. We touch base and pray extra for each other. But me and my Bible and the stillness of my devotional time, I’m just not ready for it.

     I think it’s fair to say that I’m still knee-deep in the stages of grief. But I’m not moving from one stage to the next. Instead, my grief journey seems to be like a child attending a trampoline park, bouncing from one stage of grief to the next and back, with no discerning rhyme or reason.

     It’s getting better though, I can often speak of him without falling apart and I don’t cry every time a song or commercial about fathers comes on. Just so you know, Father’s Day sucks for grieving families just as much as for fathers in poor situations. I’ve sworn off cable TV and I’m a master at channel surfing on the radio if I think some sappy commercial is coming on.

    But finally, now that I’ve shared all that craziness with you, on to my actual post. If you’re still reading this, thanks. I sat down with my Bible and no plan this evening. After looking randomly through devotionals, I came across a good verse that I wanted to share. Psalm 31:15 says, “My future is in your hands.“ So simple, right? And yet, reading these words was my reminder that it’s OK to not be OK all the time. God’s got me. There is a plan and my role is to simply allow Him to use me – my experiences, my pain, my love, my voice, my actions – to further His kingdom. And for that, all I can say is “Thank you, Jesus!”

     I’ve always loved gospel music, there’s a special place in my heart for it. I love that it can reach into the very depths of your soul with its power. So I hope you look up Kirk Franklin‘s “I Smile“ and enjoy your journey as much as I’m remembering to enjoy mine. Here are some lyrics from the song followed by a short prayer I hope you get a chance to read. Please remember the images on this blog are most likely not mine. I don’t claim ownership, I’m just sharing something I liked.

I Smile - Kirk Franklin

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright

I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower

I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile, so smile

Father God, thank you for keeping Your guiding hand on my life. Fill me with Your love so that I may share the joys You have blessed me with. In Your gracious and holy name I pray, amen.

Ushering in The New Year

2018 will be a year of new experiences. Some good, some bad, but all new. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I have been feeling this much more acutely as of late. My father lost his battle with cancer in early December. My children and I were blessed to be able to spend a long winter holiday with the majority of our family and friends to honor my father and reconnect after several years apart. December was a rough month for us, not unlike it is for many people. We dived headfirst into grief and all the baggage that entails. A wonderful woman I am grateful to share a church family with reminded me best in saying, "This was never your burden to bear. Acknowledge the trauma, give it the time and priority it deserves. But then, let it go." Traveling back to family allowed us to re-center ourselves. We left with sadness, but renewed purpose that this is the path we were called to be on.

Expectantly so, God has placed a word on my heart for 2018, breathe. How fitting, isn't it? Just breathe. One of my favorite Christian songs reminds us so much about how we allow ourselves to get trapped in the day to day, weighed down by man's purpose. When we take the time to breathe, to let go and let God, we allow ourselves to be redirected back to God's purpose for our lives. This is not my plan, this is God working through me to fulfill His plan. When was the last time you took the time to really breathe? To take a step back and collect your thoughts? For me, the past six months were just a whirlwind of emotion and busy-ness.

The lyrics of Breathe by Jonny Diaz are a perfect reflection of where I found myself in late 2017:

     Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
     It’s off to the races everybody out the door
     I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life

     Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
     Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
     So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
     It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
     When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel you say just

     Breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need
     Is to just breathe

     Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
     Want to make the most of time but I feel it slip away
     I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life
     I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see
     That I only have time for me, me, me
     There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life
     I’m hanging on tight to another wild day
     When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear you say just

     Breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need

     Is to take it in, fill your lungs
     The peace of God that overcomes
     Just breathe (just breathe)
     Let your weary spirit rest
     Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
     Just breathe (just breathe)

     Just breathe, just breathe
     Come and rest at my feet
     And be, just be
     Chaos calls but all you really need
     Is to just breathe
    Just breathe

So, here's to moving forward. Let's forge a new path. 2018 is going to be the best year we can hope for it to be. Is there a word or a phrase weighing on your heart? Have you taken the time to listen? Allow me to leave you with this verse, Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore, I will hope in Him.'" I pray God's blessing on your life in the coming year. I pray you find the answers to the deepest desires of your soul as God wishes to respond to them. I pray you remember to breathe.

A Daughter's Prayer

As I sit in the quiet of a still house and listen to my father's even breathing, I'm struck by how quickly life can change. Like a brisk Oklahoma wind ushering in the change of seasons, the path of life is so quickly altered. I read a quote once attributed to Buddha that said, "The trouble is, you think you have time."  So here is a snippet of what I've seen in the past few days.

   
     What cancer is:
          -quiet moments, hushed voices, care and kindness.
          -forgotten letters, difficult decisions, long, sleepless nights.
          -wonder and dread ticking away like an old clock.
          -revisiting memories.
          -medication in an old cowboy hat.
          -tears and sadness, anger and despair.
          -the harbinger of change.

     What cancer isn't:
          -a clearly defined path or timeframe.
          -the culmination of a life.
          -the end of the story.
          -the death of hope and love.
          -kind.

Winnie-the-Pooh said it best when he said, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard."

I wonder what tomorrow will bring... joy? sorrow? As I lean heavier on my faith, I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. For now, the grief comes in waves and I embrace them as they come. I try to work through them so they don't pull me under as they once did during my brother's passing. For now, I stand in the strength and knowledge of God's will. Genesis 28:15 promises us, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you." And so today and every day, for as long as I need, I will stand in the gap to pray:

Heavenly Father, you didn't promise us that the days would come without pain, that we could laugh without feeling sorrow, or that there would be sunshine without rain. You did promise a guiding hand, a master plan; to give us strength for each day, comfort as we pray, and a light for the way. Blessed are we for such wonderful gifts. Clear our minds of uncertainty, free our hearts of despair. Help us to love and be loved until we greet you at the Pearly Gates, where fear and sickness and death cannot take hold. Thank you for these moments, however fleeting. It's in your glorious name I pray. Amen.

Beauty From Ashes

'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”' This verse out of Lamentations has been with me lately. We continue to stand in awe of His awesomeness. 

We've taken to spending time hunting for sea glass along the shoreline sometimes instead of actively enjoying the ocean. This has honestly become one of my favorite activities. We are quiet and searching, hoping for a fragment to share with the family. We spend hours cleaning up a beach while looking for tiny treasures to take back with us.

Sea glass is nothing more than broken bottles or other assorted glass fragments that have been caught by the sea. Cast aside by its former owner, the water pummels it, sands scratches and smooths, rough edges are worn away to repurpose this rubbish for new life in the ocean. In reality, it is nothing more than trash, marine debris. But for others, a beautiful treasure.

As I reflect on this, I see God in so many ways. In the quiet still moments of our day, we hear God most clearly. We see the work He has done in our lives. When we focus on Him, the world fades to a distant rumble and we can actively pursue God's plan. And the joy of finding such treasure! The victory of knowing we trudged through until we caught hold of the perfect piece, this is the victory of our purpose in Him. 

Sea glass is beauty from the ashes and again and again I find my life a reflection of this. My rough edges are being slowly smoothed away. What I thought was my purpose in life is merely a stepping stone and I continue to be repurposed. As will you will. You are sea glass, beauty from ashes. To rise again with new purpose, the rough and worn edges smoothed away and given new life. Maybe it will take multiple attempts to find your place in God's plan, but just think of the beautiful, chaotic, tumultuous, worthwhile journey.

The Power of Grace

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

"Grace" is my word for the year. Having grace in my own journey, giving grace to others, and being an example of grace. This post has been a long time coming but I've struggled with how to put into words my feelings and desires of as late. Last year, walking in faith was a big step. To have and show grace has been a constant struggle for me, mostly in myself.

Often times, it is easy to give ourselves grace when we make mistakes, poor judgement calls or "judge" someone else harshly. It can often be blown off by saying, "Oh I was just having a bad day," or "I'll just pray for forgiveness" and leave the situation unresolved. Opening those lines of communication and having those difficult conversations is trying for most and I am no exception. My pride gets in the way. So while I'm giving myself grace in being vulnerable, I'm attempting to give others that same grace because they deserve it just as much. Or maybe they don't but its not a judgement call I should be making.

Just as I'm giving myself grace, I'm trying to be patient with others as they flounder through life just like I am. Its sometimes draining to stay positive and remember that things will work out one way or another but, again, I'm trying. Especially with the kids, I'm trying to be more deliberate in walking in grace. Because I'm critical of myself, I am also critical with them. Occasionally they need it but often they need to SEE my grace and love more.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Along this walk, I'm finding my heart and my family being pulled to ministry and we're finally at a place in our journey where Mark and I are allowing ourselves to be led. We are learning to submit ourselves and be content with a role with greater emotional reward than monetary. Sometimes this means change of job roles and more walking in grace. We pray for favor in this. In this submission over the past year, I have seen so many blessings open up before us. Ones that we might have missed had we not been paying attention. I'm learning that God's grace is dynamic. It motivates and empowers us.

One Year Anniversary

Today is one year anniversary of the call to action in our lives. One year ago today, we put all our eggs in one basket, pushed our husband and father out of the house, and prayed that we would learn to fly as we all jumped from that proverbial cliff. I've learned quite a few things in the last year and I thought I'd share some of them with you. 

There were things that we did in an effort to save ourselves emotionally and/or physically. I wish I had gone ahead and reached out to our family and friends more. Things that we did that hurt our friends and our family when our intentions were noble that I wish I could take back. I wish I could go back and explain better the reasoning for our decisions. The method behind our mad thoughts. In the midst of the shame, fear, sadness and loneliness that we felt, I wish we had felt comfortable enough to reach out to our "supporters."

To those "supporters" I want to say thank you. Thank you for the last year of prayers, words of comfort or support. Thank you for loving us when we were less loving. Thank you for believing in us when we struggled to believe in ourselves. Thank you for being genuinely happy for us. Hawaii was a life choice and not just one where we were thinking of beaches and vacation life.

Hawaii is even more than we originally expected. It is absolutely a melting pot in every sense of the word. First world living by Third World standards. You have homeless sleeping outside malls selling Cartier and Tiffany watches. Tiny houses sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars and land is a rapidly shrinking resource. These are just the tip of the iceberg.

I still firmly believe we are here for a reason and I absolutely believe it starts with those two amazing kids I get to call mine. This move has made them strong, more resilient, and opened their eyes to some of the world around them. The changes over the last year are minimal in comparison to what others may be going through. We are strong enough and together, we grow stronger every day.

Strong Enough - Matthew West

You must

You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough